If I were President

If I were President, I'd change the dress code. I could never wear a suit all day, every day.

If I were President, my contribution to the White House grounds would be a big vegetable garden, that no one but me would be allowed to touch.

If I were President, one day a week I'd randomly show up at people's doorsteps and ask to eat dinner with them.

If I were President, the White House staff would have Chicago-style deep dish pizza at every possible meeting.

If I were President, I'd start a "Reds vs. Blues" 7 on 7 football game to be played on the White House lawn. My staff could choose to be red or blue. One player would pretend to be Arlen Spector, and be on the "Purple Team"...on both teams...but really on neither.

If I were President, I'd get rid of that clunky 747 that wastes gasoline and downgrade to a new Boeing Dreamliner. Practice what you preach!

If I were President, whenever I met with a foreign diplomat or leader, I'd first demand we participate in a fun activity like bowling or darts or ping pong, depending on the visitor's preference. I'd also remove all alcohol from the White House, except for a keg of Boulevard Wheat, produced by Boulevard Brewery.

If I were President, I'd encourage foreign dignitaries to call me "dude" or "bud" or by my first name. If they called me "Mr. President" I'd interrupt them and say "Whoa stop right there, Mr. President is my dad."

If I were President, I would try to get a law passed that my children were ineligible for the Office. Sons of Presidents don't seem to make good Presidents themselves. Better to save them from the humiliation of an 8 year blunder.

If I were President, I'd keep a Supersoaker watergun in my podium, and if a member of the press corps ever got on my nerves, I'd blast 'em, and diffuse the tense situation through hilarious jokesterism.

If I were President, I'd occasionally call my staffers by different names, to keep them on their toes.

If I were President, I'd ask Hillary Clinton to name what post she'd most like to have, then I'd nominate Bill Clinton for that position. It'd make some great drama.

If I were President, I'd occasionally justify my actions with "because I'm the President, and I can do what I want."

If I were President, the United States would immediately switch to the metric system, and be done with this ridiculous inch pound garbage.

If I were President, I'd use my position to leverage free flights in an F-22.

If I were President, I'd play golf and have the Secret Service "help" my ball find the fairway. I'd dare my opponent to call me a cheater. If they did, I'd say "Stop being such a Hillary. It was a good shot."

If I were President, I'd encourage people to eat less beef, and more buffalo.

If I were President, I'd publish an NCAA bracket that was straight chalk, then pretend like I had actually used reasoning to make the picks. From that day on, it wouldn't be a "straight chalk" bracket, it'd be named after me.

If I were President, I'd never root for North Carolina. I'd never root for Kansas either. I'd probably root for Xavier, but then I'd pretend that I thought it was the school where the X-Men were training.

If I were President, I'd push for a tax on Segways. The tax would be 10,000% the cost of the Segway. I'd then say in a speech "do you hate Segways or do you hate America?"

If I were President, I'd turn the White House into the "Black House" for Halloween, people would be charged admission to walk through the haunted buildings. White House staffers would play zombies, and I'd be dressed as Lincoln, lying "dead" in the Lincoln bedroom.

If I were President, well...that'd be pretty cool.


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